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Elephant Pulse

I’m having an anxiety attack.

Fucking christ I’m having an anxiety attack. I want to just write and not delete a thing and have this anxiety attack on paper in front of you so you can read it and feel it and feel claustrophobic and asphyxiation and slobber and tension and fucking hell all the shit that’s pushing into my heart right now and through my veins and god damn it.

I’m having this anxiety attack and it’s in regards to a couple of years ago when I felt really really depressed, just extremely depressed, and it was the hardest time of my life and it was the hardest thing I had to do, but I had to do it, and I think that’s what regret feels like, because I still think about it all 700 something fucking days later. Fuck. and I miss it, there’s a sick disgusting feeling inside of me right now that wishes I was depressed in december 2012 again because for some reason it felt very very very familiar and very very very similar to the feeling you have of home, except it’s not a good feeling it’s a bad bad bad feeling but it still feels really really good for some fucking reason and I want that feeling right now and I want december 2012 right now right now right now.

I’m having this anxiety attack because I want to want to have sex but I feel no sexual drive like I used to. You grow up as a boy and you want to have sex with everyone and now suddenly, all of this year in fact, I haven’t wanted to have sex with anyone. It’s just not a feeling I have anymore. It’s like 7th on my list of priorities and shit I think about and that’s terrifying. I feel like I’m too young to not want to fuck everything in sight. I’m only 24 why don’t I want to fuck everyone.

Fucking christ I’m having this anxiety attack because I want to be somewhere else so bad. Everything here is just used up, like an empty box of crayons, it’s all just used up. I have nothing else to do here. I want to be somewhere else so I can make a new me and start from some other beginning and live some other life that’s not this one. I want it because it’s so close and I just want it so so so so so fucking so so so so so bad.

I’m having this anxiety attack because I need to feel accomplishment every day. I got a fucking haircut today and I almost had the anxiety attack I’m currently having because this lady just lives her life and she fucking hates it and I felt it for her because she wouldn’t look me in the eye not once she wouldn’t look me in the eye and that broke my fucking heart because this lady cut my hair off and didn’t look me in the eye once not once not one time did she look at me. She just lives her life and cuts hair and that’s it and I felt the misery and emptiness and lack of purpose and accomplishment that she lives with I felt that through her fucking hands when she was cutting my hair and not looking me in the eye.

I’m having this anxiety attack and I’m typing this fucking anxiety attack out so quickly. My fingers are just pushing these keys down and there’s tons of noise below my nose just tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap a million fucking taps and it’s loud and it’s relieving in a sense but mostly it’s just pushing more blood through my fingers and through my brain and my thoughts are faster than you could ever imagine and I’m wondering if by now you are even reading tap tap tap tap tap or if you’re pissed off at me tap tap tap tap tap tap tap or if you’re pissed off at your mother of if you’re shopping online for some fucking cardigan for Christm tap tap tap tap tap tap or if you’re getting fatter and older or if you’re wishing you could fuck me in some life or another or if you’re wishing you didn’t fuck me in this life tap tap tap tap tap tap tap or if you can literally hear every fucking thing I type because this goddam keyboard tap tap tap tap tap is so fucking loud that I tap tap tap tap tap tap tap

I’m having this anxiety attack and I don’t want to check my phone and I miss all of my ex girlfriends and I love all of my ex girlfriends and I miss all the people I ever fucking met in my whole life I miss every single one and I’m realizing that you can’t forget anyone you can’t forget anybody you can’t forget them they are always in your head always they are always going to be in your head every single person. I’m having this sudden memory of a friend from first grade a friend from first grade, his legs were dysfunctional, his name was Victor and he walked on crutches and I fucking vividly remember the way he walked around school he was in first grade with me and one day I went over to his house to play and he would fucking walk into his room with his crutches and it’s funny to think about that memory because as a kid I paid no heed to the fact that this kid couldn’t fucking walk like me and that he needed crutches I just knew him as Victor and I just can still see him walking in my head just walking along with his crutches and that fucking breaks my heart a bit now, but it didn’t then.

I’m having this anxiety attack and I wonder if anyone knows what it means to be alone what it means to really love being alone what it means to float what it means to love someone even if they didn’t have any legs what it means when someone tucks you in at night what it means to have a cesarian section what it means to know every single planet in order what it means to lose your mind just a little bit just for a second because that’s what a fucking anxiety attack feels like and I hope you can feel that because it’s fucking terrifying and I wonder if you know why you are alive and I wonder if I hadn’t gone if I would be here and I wonder where I would be if I did and I wonder I wonder I wonder I wonder I wonder a million a billion a trillion fucking things all day every day and I wonder if anyone else wonders anything at all.

I’m having this fucking anxiety attack and I wish she just looked me in the eyes just once.

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